the time has come for man to talk to cows and I shall be the one to
take on that endeavor. The Beef Jerky Experiment will last for 30 days,
and at the end of those 30 days, I, W. Scott Mayle, will be able to
telepathically speak with cows, and/or leather furniture.
Now why would a "normal"
man like myself subject my body to the rigors of ingesting Beef Jerky
with every meal for 30 straight days? Why? Because I am mentally ill.
But that is neither here nor there. The truth of the matter is that
I am doing it for you, the people!! Think about it, if I can communicate
with cows the world will be a better place!
Imagine a world where milk
containers offer you the bio of the cow from which it came. What it's
likes and dislikes are, do cold hands bother her? Does she enjoy a certain
type of grass? Has she ever been tipped? And most importantly what are
her thoughts on 911? You could learn this and more, much much more,
if I am succesful.
How would you like to know
if the steak you are about to eat enjoyed porn? Or if that cow was an
anti-semite? I am positive that would change the way you choose your
meat. Maybe your leather couch was bullied as a calf and each time you
fart on it you bring back bad memories of calf-hood. Wouldn't it make
you feel better to know your leather couch was just as happy as you
are sitting on it?
I thought so.
All I need for my experiment
is a Food Dehydrator, Electric Knife(Both provided by the Davelog at
no cost to me in the name of science, shout out to Davelog..whoop whoop..
oh yeah..ahem.) I would also need a shit ton of meat, sauces and spices
for flavor and time..lots of time.
Now with that out of the
way, lets look at my Diary of Meals for Week One.
Plain Jerky. Thought I'd start out simple.
Chicken Sandwhiches with a Jerky Strip on the side.. mmm mm mm
Chicken Fried Steak Smothered in Gravy, with a side of Jerky smothered
in gravy, mashed potatoes, and biscuits.
Ok, this is where most of the weird shit is going to come from I guess.
My first Jerky/Breakfast combonation was Chocolate Chip Granola Bars
wrapped around beef jerky. A Hikers Delight! The guys at the office
were a little confused as to what exactly I was eating.
I was offered a Twinky by Mike if I ate it with Beef Jerky, I said a
Free Twinkie? Hell yeah, bring it on. He left to get the Twinkie but
never returned. I can only assume he was arrested by the Hostess Cowboy
Sheriff for trying to put a beef injecction into a creamy center. So
instead I had Chicken Fried Steak Sandwhiches and Beef Jerky...on a
stick! Ok, there was no stick, but hey wood is expensive.
Bacon and Olive Pizza topped with Shredded Beef Jerky, I call it the
Itallian Jerk. It should be showing up in Pizzarias world wide within
the next few weeks.
If you take a look at the logo for my little experiment here, you will
see Wednesdays breatfast. A Chocolate and Marshmallo Pillsbury Toaster
Strudle, Topped with Icing and a lovely strip of Jerky. This was not
as tasty as it looks. But it made a damn fine picture. Mad props to
Fordo for photographing my stupidity.
Chicken Lunch Meat Burritos(don't ask, please), and Jerky. The Jerky
made it really hard to keep the burrows together so I had to eat it
seperately. Also the Jerky makes my eating time longer as it takes longer
to chew the Jerky. Must make lunches smaller to allow for Jerky Chewing
Arby's Beef and Cheddars and Curly Fries, and yes, Jerky... mmm quite
a meal. But I was tired of chewing after just one sandwhich. Oh well
there is always lunch tomorrow.
No work, I slept my lazy ass in. So that means no breaky, we go
straight to lunch!
Leftover Arbys and Beef Jerky.. Even better the second time around I
tell you. But I do believe the Jerky is having side effects on my bowels.
I think its givn me the runs. I'll know more later. Don't worry, there
will be no pictures.
Ahh Independance.. where would my BJE be without it? Nowhere! So to
celebrate we had, Red Meat Sauce and Meat, White Cheddar Pasta Shells,
and BlueBerry Shaved Ice Drinks.. Quite patriotic, no? I treated the
Beef Jerky as if it were a british soldier and gobbled it up proper
like. Take that you brit bastards!!
have it, the first four days of my Beef Jerky Experiment. Coming next
week I will give my first shot at the telepathic communications with
some leather furniture. You won't want to miss that AND the exciting
revelation about whether or not Jerky is giving me the runs!! Tune in
next week Beef Lovers! And hey, KEEP JERKIN'!!!
"Hey Jerky, where the fuck are the updates, asshole?"
Trust me, I feel your pain. Life is funny. Just when you think everything is at it is, something changes. And what is that something? That something is freaky, kinky, twisted, and lovely SEX!
Now I ask you fine readers who in their right mind would say no to two women just to write about Jerky? Not I, and not you. Don't fucking lie, you know it's true. No matter how much you like Jerky, and I know you all love the fuckin Jerky, none of you would turn down hot sex to write about it.
So you're probably asking me what the fuck I'm doing even writing about Jerky when I can write about kinky sex. Ya know, that's a pretty good question. And other than the fact that there is a good chance my stepfather might read this, I don't have an answer. I mean JERKY or FREAKY SEX, which would you rather read about, or write about? That's what I thought. So here is the condensed version of last week's menu.
Breakfast every day was JERKY. I ate Jerky with Cold Pizza, Jerky with Sausage Biscuits, and Jerky with Bran Flakes one day. A ton of sugar, milk, and Jerky. It was interesting.
Lunch was pretty normal. Leftovers with Jerky, Nacho Hamburger Helper with Jerky.. Stone Cold LOVED my hamburger helper with jerky. There may even be a picture here to prove that fact. [editor's note: yep, and here it is!]
I ate out a lot this week for dinner. Oh wait, that's the kinky sex stuff. My bad. Kentucky Fried Chickens Mac and Cheese and Jerky is the BOMB! Seriously, look into it. Something not so good with jerky? A Blizzard:
"Welcome to Dairy Queen, how may I help you."
That was fun. If you're reading this and you work at Dairy Queen, write the shit down!! I ended up getting just cookie dough cuz I couldn't remember.. Fucking bitch. But it was mighty untasty once I added the jerky.. I think maybe the jerky had soured. does Jerky go bad? Fuck, I dunno, but it was NAZTEE!! Maybe that bitch pissed in it. Fuck, I'm not going back to Dairy Queen.
"Yeah, can I get a Large Blizzard with Oreo Cookies, Cookie Dough, Snickers, Heath and ummm Beef Jerky"
"Excuse me? What was that last one?"
"I'm sorry sir, we don't have that here"
"Do they have it at another Dairy Queen?"
"I don't think so.."
"If I brought the Jerky inside could you grind it up with the Ice Cream?"
"I don't think we are allowed to do that?"
"But what will I tell Davelog, DQ Lady?"
"I'm sorry, what?"
"Never mind, just give me the Blizzard minus the Jerky"
"What were the other things you wanted in it?"
"Jesus lady, don't you have a pen?"
As far as my telepathic communication with cows goes.. I don't feel it yet. I tried to send a telepathic message to a cow, but she couldn't even remember how I wanted my Blizzard.. *rim shot*
So I was at Wal-Mart today and they were giving away samples of Jerky. FREE SAMPLES OF JERKY! Hello!! I walked over to the guy and I said,
"So.. Givin away Jerky, eh?"
FUCKING WAL-MART!! I am suing for $10 million for stealing my name and mental anguish. I'm thinking of getting them for that whole smiley face thing too. I thought of that YEARS ago!
"Well, free samples, yeah."
"Sort of like a Jerky Experiment?"
"Well I dunno, I guess."
"BUT, Would you call it a Beef Jerky Experiment?"
"Well go ahead then.."
"Umm it's a Beef Jerky Experiment"
"Thank you, and your name is?"
"Bobby, please inform Mr. Walton that he will be hearing from my lawyers. Thank you for the sliver of Jerky and have a nice day."
Since I've got your eyes, I'm just gonna keep writing for a bit here. Since I'm writing this and not Hollowood for the time being, I'd like to take this space to plug REIGN OF FIRE! Talk about a kick ass movie. I was floored. I chewed through a 5 pound bag of jerky watching it. I was on the edge of my seat and my head was kicked the fuck in by the whole film. Go see it, go see it now! You will NOT be disappointed.
All right, I think I've gotten the writing bug out of me for now. And just because I think Dave needs one, I MAY be writing an Internet Dorks Guide to Getting it on With Two Hot Chicks.. If you share your knowledge, then it will spread. And if it spreads, you better dive in.
That's all for now, Keep on Jerkin!
Week three of the BJE is in the can. And let me tell you folks something. It has not been easy. Jerking is tiring work. But I do believe that I have become a better Jerky Maker. The second batch of Jerky I made was too 'gingery'. Why did I add ginger to it? And why did I add too much? Hell if I remember. But now the recipe is very simple. Teriyaki, Brown Sugar, Soy Sauce and Honey. Damn, it's tasty too. Marinade for a few hours and dry for 18. That's a Jerking Tip from your Uncle Scotty.
This weekís strange yet tasty treat came to us by the way of Shredded Jerky. Mmm Shredded Jerky, it looks like sawdust with twice the taste. Use it as topping on a Banquet Mexican Dinner and you have yourself a party!!
So lets take a look at our progress shall we?
Total Drying Time for jerky: 4 days
Total Marinating time: 2 days
Total Marinade used: 3 gallons
Total Beef Used: 10lbs
Total Jerky ate: 7.5lbs
Total Cows Communicated with: 0
Total Pieces of Leather Furniture Communicated with: 0
Total People who ask me why: 33
Total People I have grossed out: 4.5
Total Lawsuits: 1
Amount of times I've signed my autograph as Jerky Guy: 1
Amount of Three Way Encounters since Starting BJE: 3
So as you can see so far it's all been worth it. With only a week left I wonder if my good luck will run out when it's all over. Does the amount of dry beef I ingest have something to do with women being attracted to me? Does Jerky Marinade somehow give off a pheromone that scientists have yet to discover? I wondered about these questions for a long time before I just decided to call Professor Francis Finglemann of Arizona State University.
"ASU Administration, how may I direct your call?"
So as you can see The Jerky Experiment is going places no one had ever dreamed possible. And by the time it is over the world will be a better place, for you...and me.
"Yes hi, my name is Scott Mayle and I am calling to speak with Professor Francis Finglemann of Arizona State University"
"We don't have a professor by that name, is there someone else you can talk to?"
"Can you transfer me to the Science Department?"
"Just one moment please"
"May I speak with speak with Professor Francis Finglemann of Arizona State University?"
"We don't have a professor by that name, maybe he is in another department."
"Is there another professor there that knows about Beef Jerky?"
"Beef Jerky?.. Umm maybe someone in Agriculture can help you.."
"No.. no.. those fools know nothing of science. I must speak with a scientist!"
"Well, I can transfer you to Professor Stevens"
"Ah, Professor Finglemann, finally!"
"No, this is Professor Stevens"
"Professor Finglemann of Arizona State University, I think I may have proven that Jerky Marinade may indeed give off a pheromone that attracts the opposite sex when ingested with Beef Jerky!"
"Umm all right."
"All right? That's all you have to say? All over the world men could benefit from this breakthrough! Men would sing your praises, your name would be known worldwide. Finglemanns Sex Marinade Miracle, they'll call it! And all you can say is 'All right'?"
"This is Professor Stevens, we don't have a Professor Finglemann. But if you'd like to come down and talk about your discovery you can make an appointment with my secretary."
"Secretary? Good God Man!! Have you not been listening! I am through with you. And if I hear one peep about ASU doing any Jerky Experimentation your ass will be sitting next to Sam Waltonís corpse come judgment time. Good Day, sir!"
"Well we will definitely be staying away from the Jerky exper--"
"I said, Good Day!!"
ITíS OVER!! The Beef Jerky Experiment has come to and end. One month of eating Beef Jerky with each and every meal and snack with the sole purpose of communicating with cows. Was it a success? Oh yes, yes it was. But weíll get to that in just a bit.
Over the last 30 days Iíd have to say the question that I was asked the most is ďWhy?Ē. And I never felt comfortable answering that question. I mean why does one do anything? Attention? Boredom? Fortune? Fame? I just did it. When I started out I really had no reason for doing so other than why not. I think thatís how most of the great achievements in history came about. Why did Alexander Graham Bell invent the telephone? Why not? Why did Albert Einstein come up with the Theory of Relativity? Why not? Why did David Carouso leave NYPD BLUE? He was a moron. Ok, well it doesnít work with everything.
The one thing that really saddens me is that I was never contacted by the fine folk at Slim Jim, Oberto, or Jacks Links. I could have used a sponsor or two. I could have put their product in the spotlight. I could have gotten them tons of press. I could have gotten a lot of free dried beef products. I could have been their Jared. But alas, I made all my jerky and bought maybe 1% of the total jerky I ate from the store. Itís your loss, Slim, and Jack. Better luck next time.
So as the last day of the BJE rolled over I was asked which of the combinations of Jerky and various foods did I dislike the most. One answer came to mind quickly. Bran Flakes and Jerky. You figure it wouldnít be so bad.. Fiber, Protein, a match made in heaven. Wrong. And thatís just how I explain the taste. Wrong. God never intended for you to eat cow, covered in cows milk. Trust me on this one. Unless itís in your gravy never put milk and beef together. Hereís a list of all the best and worst combos I was lucky enough to try.
Beef Jerky Pizza
Granola Bar wrapped around jerky
Pastry Pop Tart topped with Jerky
Jerky covered in country gravy
Bran Flakes and Jerky
Shredded Jerky on Banquet Enchilada Meal
Cake and Jerky
Nerds and Jerky.. good lord, why did I do that?
Pixy Stick and Jerky, had to try.
So, what we have found is that dinner type foods go best with jerky, while dessert type foods do not. With the exception of breakfast type sweets. Or maybe I was just hungry in the morning.
Now onto the big answer. Was the Beef Jerky Experiment goal of Telepathic Communication with Cows reached? YES IT WAS. Cows are talking to me, leather furniture is talking to me, beef at the market is talking to me. I canít open my freezer without hearing about how the grass in Kentucky is so much better than the grass in Arizona, and how cold itís gotten lately. Itís driving me insane. The leather couch in my bosses office has told me things that I can NOT repeat here without putting my job in danger. Why did I start this experiment? Oh yeah, why not. Now I know why not. Why canít they just be quiet for one second??
The side effect from the experiment that lead to kinky sex is still being studied by researchers from U OF A(fuck off, ASU), and may one day lead to a product that will be sold at health food stores and your local Burger King that will get you laid.
What is next for me? The Get Rid Of The Talking Beef Experiment! I will not be eating ANY Jerky for the next 30 days with the goal of getting the voices out of my head. I wonít be updating you on this as ďI ate no jerky todayĒ does not make for exciting reading. But you will hear from me again, oh yes, you will. And one day, you may see me walking down the street, covering my ears, and mumbling to myself. And if you do, please donít offer me any dried beef product.
Thanks for reading, you may stop Jerkiní.