EMAIL FUCKERY: TEXAZ GRILL
by dave, 04/01/02
My uncle Steve owns a great restaurant called the Texaz Grill - prime rib, BBQ, and the best chicken-fried steak in Arizona. His restaurant has a website, and on that website he has a recipe page, where people can send in their favorite recipes and have them published on the site. If Steve uses one of the submitted recipes for a daily special in the restaurant, he invites the recipe's owner to come down and sign autographs on the day it's being served.
I have an email address that I use for registering for stuff on the web where people don't need my real email address, so I can divert the spam they invariably sign me up for to a useless place - that email address is email@example.com. Since there's nothing in the gumby_dammit account that would point back to me, I decided to use this account to have some anonymous fun with the Texaz Grill recipe process. I don't think Steve realizes it's me, but of course once he reads this, the cat will be out of the bag and I'll probably be disowned (Steve: consider this repayment for the birthday humiliation). Such is the sacrifice I make for the davelog.
Anyway, the following email exchange, which took place over the past few months, is the result:
TEXAZ Grill website says:
There are certain things we wouldn't divulge for love or money. Some of our recipes are closely guarded and if we were to tell you, then everyone would know. But we will be glad to show you some of our secrets if you'll show us yours. You first...
You never know, you may see your very own favorite recipe used on our Specials menu - with proper credit to the author of course. We'll even invite you to stand around the restaurant that day and sign autographs.
1 packet of Oh-Yeah Orange Pineapple Kool-Aid.
Lofbergs Lila (Swedish brand) coffee
Step 1: Pour a small amount of coffee into the filter, and pour a very thin layer of Kool-Aid on the coffee.
Step 2: Repeat step 1, until you've used the whole packet of Kool-Aid.
Step 3: Turn on the coffee machine.
Step 4: Wait anxiously.
Well, what can I say about the taste? I can imagine this is what the coffee they serve in hell must taste like. I guess this is the reason you never hear about people mixing Kool-Aid with coffee. If anyone's done it before me, they probably freaked out & got locked up in a cuckoo's nest somewhere. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS! Unless you're an experienced Kool-Aid user & you know what you're doing.
TEXAZ Grill wrote:
Dear Mr. Dammit,
I'm sorry I'm so long in responding to your recipe submission but I'm still looking for Lofberg's Lila Coffee and a disposable coffee machine.
Thanks much for your participation but I don't think you're going to be signing autographs at my front door for that one. Got any other gems??
for TEXAZ Grill
Glad to oblige.
1 whole camel, medium size
1 whole lamb, large size
20 whole chickens, medium size
12 kilos rice
2 kilos pine nuts
2 kilos almonds
1 kilo pistachio nuts
110 gallons water
5 pounds black pepper
Salt to taste
Skin, trim and clean camel (once you get over the hump), lamb and chicken. Boil until tender. Cook rice until fluffy. Fry nuts until brown and mix with rice. Hard boil eggs and peel. Stuff cooked chickens with hard boiled eggs and rice. Stuff the cooked lamb with stuffed chickens. Add more rice. Stuff the camel with the stuffed lamb and add rest of rice. Broil over large charcoal pit until brown. Spread any remaining rice on large tray and place camel on top of rice. Decorate with boiled eggs and nuts. Serves friendly crowd of 80-100.
TEXAZ Grill wrote:
Dear Gumby Dammit,
Thanks for the new recipe but it sounds like a blatant rip off of Chef Prudhomme's "Turducken" (a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken). Besides, my camel supplier has left the country under suspicious circumstances.
Sorry, try again.
Oddly enough, I too have recently lost my camel source. Perhaps there is a connection.
Since the previous recipe was rendered logistically unfeasable by the apparant exodus of dromedaria, I submit you with this: Kitty Litter Cake.
1 18.5-ounce pkg. spice cake mix
1 18.5-ounce pkg. white cake mix
2 4-serving pkgs. instant vanilla pudding mix
1 12-ounce box vanilla wafer cookies, crushed
6 to 10 Tootsie Rolls
1 brand new cat litter pan
1 brand new plastic pooper scooper
green food coloring
Prepare the cakes and pudding according to package directions. Crumble the baked cake into the kitty litter pan, then add the pudding and mix. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of the cookie crumbs and set aside; mix the rest into the pan.
Soften the Tootsie Rolls by placing in the microwave for 10 seconds on high and shape to resemble cat doodoo. Arrange the Tootsie Rolls on top of the cookie-pudding cake mixture, sprinkle all with green cookie crumbs, then with a bit of confectioner's sugar. Decorate with plastic flies, if desired. Serve with pooper scooper. Makes 20 to 24 servings.
Nutrition Facts: 99% dust-free!
TEXAZ Grill wrote:
Dear Mr. dammit,
Sorry it took so long to respond to your last recipe submission but my e-mail has been a little temperamental.
Concerning your most recent e-mail, I think we're getting closer but this dish is more of a party dessert and I don't cater anymore. Thanks and keep trying.
With all that's happened recently, I hope this finds you and yours well.
These are indeed trying times. Fortunately, I know nobody in that part of the country, so I am personally unaffected, apart from taking part in the national outrage, bloodlust, and hoarding of dry goods in my underground school bus bomb shelter.
On to a more uplifting subject - I'm certain I have a winner for you this time: simple, delicious, refined, and convenient, since alligators are EVERYWHERE.
Alligator Tail Medallions
1 1/2 lbs alligator tail
15 fl ozs of inexpensive Chardonnay
4 cloves of garlic
2 chopped fennel bulbs
A handful of tarragon
Juice and zest of one lemon
1 pint of fish stock.
2 ozs very cold butter
Salt and black pepper
A little flour
Chop the onions, garlic, tarragon and fennel and put in a large dish with the wine and lemon. Slice the alligator tails into 1/2" medallions and put in the marinade. Leave for a couple of hours.
Remove the alligator from the marinade and set aside. Pour the marinade into a large pan with the fish stock and reduce to half a pint. Strain the stock and return to the heat. Reduce by half. Turn off the heat.
Coat the alligator medallions in the flour and fry for 8 minutes turning once. Remove and keep warm.
Re-heat the sauce until it boils and then add small cubes of butter to the sauce to thicken it like a hollandaise. Whisk well after each lump has been added and make sure it does not curdle. If it does begin to curdle, plunge the base of the pan in cold water. When the sauce has thickened, drizzle it over the alligator and serve with new potatoes and green vegetables and a couple of bottles of good Chardonnay.
Serves 4 generously.
TEXAZ Grill wrote:
Dear Gum (I can call you Gum, can't I?),
The rumor about giant alligators living in the central Arizona irrigation canals is a greatly exaggerated urban legend; although I have personally seen piranha swimming around in them.
For many years along the Gulf coast there was a total moratorium on alligator hunting because the population had been decimated by over harvesting. In the last ten years they have reopened gatoring (as we liked to call it down in Louisiana) on the coast because the conservation efforts paid off too well and the herds came back in huge numbers. But even so, there aren't alot of purveyors of "fine fillet of alligator" in the local market.
Since everything tastes like chicken, do you think I could substitute chicken medallions for the alligator in your recipe and get away with it? Also, I don't own cheap Chardonnay, will the good stuff ruin the recipe? A famous chef once said, "If you won't drink it, what makes you think you can cook with it?"
I actually preferred Mr. Dammit, it made me feel important, but you can call me whatever you like.
I don't know which part of Phoenix you're in, but out where I am, you'd be hard pressed to swing a dead cat without hitting a gator or two. They're more plentiful than cockroaches.
I have, in the past, tried substituting lesser animals like chicken, frog, and rabbit with this recipe, and have found it to be a less than satisfactory culinary experience - if you simply can't bring yourself to use actual alligator tails, I suggest the tails of caiman, they're closely related and entertainingly endangered.
As for the cheap chardonnay, it is in fact a necessity for the sauce as it gives it a pleasant bite that you don't get with finer wines. If you don't have any cheap stuff lying around, you can cut a fine chardonnay with a splash of formaldehyde or Listerine to achieve the same effect in the dish.
So, what day should I show up with my autographin' pen?
TEXAZ Grill wrote:
[there were no further responses from TEXAZ]
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