A squirrel is spreading terror in a Cheshire town where it keeps attacking people. The rogue squirrel's latest attack was on toddler Kelsi Morley who was bitten on the forehead. "It was awful because she was spinning around and we couldn't get it off," her mother told the newspaper. Fortunately, this nut-storing hellspawn is no longer a threat, as Granddad Guns Down Terror Squirrel.
Tuesday, Nov 12th 2002 (12:09am)
Wow, here's the headline of the day: Chicken Vampire with Kangaroo Head Terrorizes Farmers!
Friday, Oct 25th 2002 (12:22am)
Dairy show judges wonder the same thing oglers do when they see a well-endowed female: Are those real? Cows are being given bovine "boob jobs" - injections to help the little miss look her best in the show ring and cheat her way to a lucrative trophy.
Tuesday, Oct 8th 2002 (12:11am)
Edle Moerch is confined to a wheelchair and in order to move more easily around her apartment she often leaves her front door open all day. For a curious and hungry badger this proved to be an irresistible temptation. Shortly afterwards the beast found itself trapped in a confusing world of period furniture and breakables.
Thursday, Oct 3rd 2002 (12:05am)
And this motherfucker right here makes me wish I could take out all my rage on him. I want to cut his throat, bleed him into a cup, and drink his blood as he watches me so that it's the last thing he sees before death!
Tuesday, Oct 1st 2002 (12:15am)
Flatworms are hermaphroditic - but that's not what's so odd about them. The odd thing is that for flatworms, sex is like war where they viciously stab their wormy dorks into each other in a little dance known as Penis Fencing! Reminds me of camp.
Tuesday, Oct 1st 2002 (12:15am)
The fish live.
Two months after Crofton's snakehead infestation became an international sensation, one month after a panel of experts picked its poison to flush the fish from the pond, and almost two weeks after an herbicidal cocktail was sprayed over the water, the fish are still biting. THEY JUST WON'T DIE!!!
Thursday, Sep 5th 2002 (12:04am)
While Keiko the killer whale frolicked in a western Norwegian fjord Tuesday, a local whale expert warned that Keiko may not survive the winter. If he doesn't detach himself from humans soon, it may be best to destroy him, he said. Nice sentiment, killing the whale 'for his own good', but I suspect the REAL reason they want him dead is because he's fucking up the local salmon industry.
Wednesday, Sep 4th 2002 (12:01am)
With Bonsai Kitten, a world of variation awaits you, limited only by your own imagination. By physically constraining the growth of a developing living thing, it can be directed to take the shape of the vessel that constrains it. Just as a topiary gardener produces bushes that take the forms of animals or any other thing, you no longer need be satisfied with a housepet having the same mundane shape as all other members of its species.
By: Some Nobody
Thursday, Aug 29th 2002 (4:51pm)
Earlier this week we reported on the dreaded snakehead fish invasion - if you still need more information about this voracious amphibious killing machine, here's some snakehead facts from the knowledgable folks at the Onion.
Wednesday, Jul 31st 2002 (12:23am)
The latest predator threat to mankind is the ferocious amphibious snakehead fish - with its slavering fangs of death and voracious appetite, surely our time on this planet as the dominant species is winding down. Of course, the people in Singapore think we're just overreacting doodooheads.
Monday, Jul 29th 2002 (12:19am)
Best Song About Masturbation
Nothing! Player's off!
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