Aye, it's a mixed blessing of a Sunday, the Arena Bowl is on (GO RATTLERS!), but I'm also sicker than shit. With so much going on, we better get rolling on this whole Sunday post thing:

A gay guy is standing at the gates of heaven when he hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.

He says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"

St. Peter replies, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."

He says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to hell."

St. Peter says, "In hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."

He says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."

Yup, that was pretty bad. Anyway, here's all the holy links I've come across in the last week. Share and enjoy:
Jesus Tie · Theological Thermodynamics · Jesus Addict Quiz
Oily Miracle Hands · Breastfeeding Jesus · Bands That Worship Satan
King Of The Jews for the King Of Beers
By: Dave
Sunday, Aug 18th 2002 (12:06am)
Sundays have once again become deeply spiritual for me - meaning, of course, that pre-season football has started. At last, some purpose for my weekends! Ok, well, besides finding all this religious stuff online!

A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,

"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"

The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.

The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good.

Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.

So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"

To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."

Oh lordy, that was terrible. Seems like the jokes keep getting worse around here, but the holy linkage just gets better and better:
Christian Pick-up Lines · Saint Flanders · Jewish Thing
Father Tucker · Do Unto Others · Resurrection Doubtful
Chosen People · Heavenly Images · Fairway To Heaven
By: Dave
Sunday, Aug 11th 2002 (12:40am)
Happy Sunday, everyone! Thanks to the miracle of pre-programmed articles, the site's being automatically posted to while I'm on a little pilgrimage in the woods... I've been gone all weekend and you didn't even know it! Don't be thinking you can break into my pad and hork my shit, though - we didn't feed the cats before we left, and they have switchblades. Anyway, let us commence with the weekly dredging of the religious side of the web!

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man," answers the priest.

"I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?"

"Oh, I don't have it, Father. It says here that the Pope does."

Jeez, that was terrible. I'd have come up with a better joke, but I'm too busy sitting barefoot in a tree playing the flute. Have some links to take the sting off that miserable bit of holy humor:
Fatal Theology · Christian Music Recommendations · Dhammakaya
Hindu Sacrifice · Satanic Hamsterdance · Atheist Radio
Robot Of God · Holy Sock Song · Inflatable Jesus
By: Dave
Sunday, Aug 4th 2002 (12:38am)
Football season is comin', but until that glorious first kickoff of the pre-season, I have nothing better to do with my Sundays than rehash all the religious crap I've wandered across in the past week. Hunker down, because here it comes!
Pat Buchanan, Mao Tse-Tung, and Bill Gates were called to the carpet by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. God told them that there was nothing they could do to alter his decision, but they would be allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening.

So, Pat Buchanan went in and told his followers, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there IS a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Mao Tse-Tung went back and told his people, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first bad new is that there IS a God. The second bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and better news. The first good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. The second good news is that you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 2000."
Wow, that joke really stunk. Oh Well. Redeem thyself for the remainder of thy day with thy sacred linkage:

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Rabbis · Christian Hackers · Wall Street Heathens
Jesuits kidnap Uncle Sam · Mormon Underwear · Prayer Panties
David Hasslehoff Is The Antichrist · GLAD Magazine
By: Dave
Sunday, Jul 28th 2002 (12:28am)
Time once again for the weekly religion roundup, where I lay upon thee all the God stuff I've come across over the course of the week - Let's get it on!

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

And of course, no Sunday post is complete without a pile of holy links, so bless your mouse and get clickin!
Cutesy Christ | God Of The Month Club | Wiccan Church Disruption
Death Sentence For Blasphemer | The Hugging Saint | God's Littlest Lambs

By: Dave
Sunday, Jul 21st 2002 (12:06am)
It's that time of the week again - time to get on your knees or bend over a table or whatever... Sunday is upon us. Let's do it!

God and Saint Peter are playing golf, St. Peter opens up with a hole in one. His halo shines a little bit brighter.

God is trying to tee off, but knocks the ball backwards down a hill. A rabbit hops out of the woods, grabs the ball, and goes running for its hole. A hawk swoops down, grabs the rabbit, and flies up to 4000 ft. From nowhere, clouds form and lightning strikes the hawk. The hawk drops the rabbit, the rabbit drops the ball, plunk, a hole in one.

St. Peter turns to God and says, "Okay now, are you going to play golf or are you going to screw around?"

Yes, I know, weak joke and picture this week, but I'm a busy guy. We have an assload of holy links, so let's go:
Papal Bowling | Hell Is Not Disneyland | Hell Is 'Uncool'
Spittin' Jesus | Jesus Continuum | Jesus Balloon
Bible According to Cheese | God Doesn't Give a Shit About NASCAR
2002 Jesus Values Excellence Awards
By: Dave
Sunday, Jul 14th 2002 (1:06am)
And the Lord said, "let there be gassy food".
And there was gassy food (Taco Bell).
And the Lord said, "go forth and tell the sheep of the land of this gassy food".
And they went forth.
And the Lord said, "make sure they get the point."
And so they did.
By: chimpy
Friday, Jul 12th 2002 (11:50pm)
Sundays are such a drag - gotta go back to work the next morning, gotta do laundry, gotta do the grocery shopping... apart from football (when in season), the only thing Sundays are good for is the weekly regurgitation of all the religious crap I've come across for the week. With that loving endorsement, let us commence:

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married, as that would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he is not married.

The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.

When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children".

The nun replies, "Thats OK. I have a confession too - My name is Ted, and I'm on my way to a costume party."

nun gun fun

Amazingly, I haven't turned into a smoking pile of lightning-bait just yet, so here's the links!
The Truth About Hell | Church Fun | MessiahCam
Sin Virus Warning | Nice Eulogy, Father | Christ Phone
Satan's Dad | Priests Abuse Nuns | Church Lady
By: Dave
Sunday, Jul 7th 2002 (12:07am)
Open your hearts to the divine.. uh.. divinity of the ritualistic.. oh whatever, here's the Sunday post:

The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There, he placed his arm around her.

"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.

"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.

"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her. "Did he do this?"

"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.

"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and fingered her pussy.

"Yes, Father, and worse."

By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he manage to do this?"

"Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.

When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked, "He did this too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"

"Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me gonorrhea."

Wow, that was horrible. Now, on to the linky goodness!

Church Celebrates Chainsaws | Christian Cowboys
Jesus Rocks Nads | Robo Priest | Christian Porno
Satan's LiveJournal | Female Chinese Christ | Vatican Time Machine
By: Dave
Sunday, Jun 30th 2002 (1:53am)
There are those who would say that my weekly mockery of all things religious might come back to haunt me in the form of, say, eternal damnation or being plagued by computer problems. To those people, I say GET REAL, I'm suffering computer problems because I had the audacity to try and upgrade my system, an endeavor which NEVER goes smoothly, whether I thumb my nose at the Pope or not. With that said, I'm having computer problems this weekend so the Sunday links are gonna be a little thin. Deal with it. If it leaves you unfulfilled, I recommend you go moon a couple of churches. At noon. After eating curry.

The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.

A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."

The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What---did---you---say---?"

The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."

"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! That's wonderful, dear. I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."

mmm. nun pie.

Now, on to the paltry selection of links!
God Answers | Stigmatic Monk | Finger Of God
Jesse Ventura Wrestles God | God Blinds Masturbator
By: Dave
Sunday, Jun 23rd 2002 (12:29am)
By Mark E. Petersen
Council of the 12 Apostles

Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.

This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once.

But it must be more than a hope or a whish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you.

After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:

Read More to be on your way to a masturbation free life.
By: Scott
Thursday, Jun 20th 2002 (12:12am)
(more)   [Comments: 3]
It is a litle known fact that an entire way of life can be found around SAMSUNG.

It will leave you asking "How can I come with SAMSUNG?"
By: chimpy
Sunday, Jun 16th 2002 (6:56am)
Today we have not one but TWO things to celebrate: Sunday and Father's Day! In honor of my Dad, who has a wicked sense of humor but frowns on vulgarity just for shock value, today's religious joke is a tame one. Try not to look at the picture next to it, Dad. Happy Father's Day!

An old man walks into a confessional, and he says: "I am 82 years old. I have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 20 year old girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest : "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Old man : "What sins?"

Priest : "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Old man : "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."

Priest : "Then why are you telling me all this?"

Old man : "I'm telling everybody."

And now, on to the sacred linkitude!
Satan Doo | Holy Trinity To Break-Up | PeTA Christ
Beatles/Satan Connection | Blasphemous Clipart | Atheist Parents
FFRF Quiz | Church of Spongebob Squarepants | Toast Bible
By: Dave
Sunday, Jun 16th 2002 (12:12am)
And the Lord said "Let there be computers, and an operating system that blesses the user with the blood and crash protection of My Son".

And there were computers, and there was an OS... and the Lord said "It is Good..." because the OS was Jesux.
By: chimpy
Sunday, Jun 9th 2002 (12:05pm)
Sundays just keep getting bigger and better here at the davelog. Since I've started going out of my way to make the Sunday post... um... better, my hate mail has increased tenfold - which says to me that I should keep running with it. Let's go.

3 nuns die and go to heaven. As they approach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that they are welcome to come in, as long as they confess their sins before entering.

The first nun steps up and says, "Forgive me for I have sinned. Since my last confession, I have seen a man's penis."

"No problem," says St. Peter, "Just cleanse your eyes with the holy water in this basin", pointing to a holy water-filled basin.

The first nun goes to the basin and sprinkles her eyes with the holy water, then she walks through the gates into heaven.

The third nun turns to the second nun and says, "You'd better let me go next - I don't want to gargle it after you've sat in it."

click on 'read more' for a larger version

Oh, that was bad. We'd better get to the links, fast.

Things Creationists Hate | Demon Buster | Patron Saint Of Magic
Underage Catholic Wrestlemania | Jesus Shoots! He Scores!
Pancakes Without Preaching | Top Ten Commandments
D.I.Y. Weeping Madonna | God's LiveJournal | Butter Last Supper
By: Dave
Sunday, Jun 9th 2002 (12:18am)
(more)   [Comments: 0]
Over the past few weeks, the traditional Sunday religion post has been degenerating into a festival of offensiveness - and I have no problem with that. Let's continue down that spiral with hearty gusto!

One winter day, a man walked outside after a church service. He was startled when he saw two altar boys lying face down, pants around their ankles, with their penises in the snow.

The man exclaimed, "What on earth are you two doing?!"

One altar boy looked up at the man and said, "Father Bietighofer always likes to down a couple cold ones after Mass."

Delightful, yes? Let's get on with the links - there's a lot of them this week!

Stripper For God | Rod Of Correction | Jewish Space Dilemma | Peanut Jesus
Church Of Mary | Battleground God | Fire Bible | Holy Shit
Cremation is NOT Christian | God Saves The Titanic
By: Dave
Sunday, Jun 2nd 2002 (12:05am)
Sunday again, and that means it's time to get yer holy on - and since I got so many complaints about last week's religious joke, I think I'm gonna make it a regular item for the Sunday post. Nyeah nyeah.
A priest, a lawyer, and a policeman are visiting an orphanage on career day. Without warning, a fire suddenly begins to spread through the halls.

As everyone runs terrified from the building, the policeman exclaims, "The children, we must save the children!"

The lawyer then screams out, "Screw the children!"

To which the priest replied, "Do you think we have time?"
Let's get to the linky goodness! On your knees!
SWAT Team For Christ | Church Of The Open Door | Scotland Turns Pagan
God Hates America | Hinjews | Monkee Fans For Christ
By: Dave
Sunday, May 26th 2002 (12:01am)
Yep, it's Sunday again, time for a fresh spate of divine linkage to inspire you for another week - but first, my man m0j0 told me a great one a few days ago, and I'm passing it along to you, the dedicated spiritual reader:
      Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
      A: It only takes 1 nail to hang a painting of Jesus.
On to the links!
Exorcism Tips - How To Make God Puke - Punks and Skins For Christ - Beating Satan, Not Your Penis - Resigning Pope - The Sin Of Breastfeeding
By: Dave
Sunday, May 19th 2002 (12:26am)
When I'm not working (thanks again, Jason), I'm surfing the web, looking for links to post up here. Over the course of a week, I bank all the religious stuff I find up for one big post to fill you Sunday readers with spiritual guidance. So, without further ado, here's this week's spread:
Christians For Cannibis - Priests Gone Wild - Spider-Man's Greatest Bible Stories - Where Is God? - Pope Chart - Harry Potter Chick Tract - Heeb Magazine
By: Dave
Sunday, May 12th 2002 (1:55am)
If you plan on attending a future Mardi Gras, try not to be photographed shirtless next to a drag queen and some chiseled guys in biker shorts.
By: Madkow
Tuesday, May 7th 2002 (2:22pm)
¡Domingo feliz, churchgoers! ¡Vamos conseguirlo encendido con los holies!
Party With Satan - Holywood Squares - Get Away Satan - Jesus Chronicles - Bible Quiz - Hollywood Jesus
By: Dave
Sunday, May 5th 2002 (12:09am)
Welcome to Davelog 2.0! Round these parts, we spend our Sundays with our eyes buried in religious readin', so let us commence!
Eunuch Jesus Caught with Naked Man in The Act - Priests Gone Wild - Landover Baptist Shutdown - Mrs. Antichrist - Landover Baptist NYTimes Ad -
God Watches
By: Dave
Sunday, Apr 28th 2002 (12:17am)
Here's my sunday submission: Betty is a better christian than you. Really! And she has her own website to prove it.
By: chimpy
Sunday, Apr 21st 2002 (12:55pm)
By: Dave
Sunday, Apr 21st 2002 (12:05am)

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