Sunday once again, time for a review of the week's religious findings! Enjoy!
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.
"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' We are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Ouch, what a lousy joke. Anyway, here's the weekly links for your inspiration:Frog-Guarded Buddha Footprint · Guns N' Moses · Jesus Monster Truck
Crucifix Art · Old Time Religion · Belief-O-Matic
Godless Americans · Jesus Lives · Holy Shit
Sunday, Sep 22nd 2002 (12:08am)
In my quest for entertaining links to post on the site, I come across a lot of religious stuff, which I throw into a pile. Sunday is the day I empty this pile out for the week, and bundle all this Godly goodness up for you into this, the Weekly Inspirational Post. Read on and be enlightened!
|A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but hell isn't all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"
The man answers, "Yes, I do"
"Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"
The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."
The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks."
"You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?"
"Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot."
"Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."
The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays."
"Oh, by the way," asks the devil, "Are you gay?"
"Hell no," the man replies, "I hate fags!"
The devil looks at him, and says, "Oh man, you're gonna HATE Thursdays."
Wow, what a terrible joke. Have some linkage for inspiration instead:Let The Dead Bury The Dead · Jesus Had Short Hair · Rapture Ready
Jesus H. Christ · Pope Chart · Virgin Mary Tree
Vatican Time Machine · God Is PHAT · Weeping Jesus 9/11 Mousepad
Sunday, Sep 15th 2002 (12:01am)
I'm so jazzed about this particular Sunday - it's the first Sunday of the 2002-2003 NFL season! Guess where I am? No, knucklehead, not church, I'm planted in front of a TV in a seedy motel room in Flagstaff! Call it a sabbatical. Anyway, thanks to remote control, I give to you all the religious dreck I've found in the past week. Enjoy!
In the beginning, the plan for a divine human design was painstakingly implemented.
"The nerve endings," said St. Peter, "how many will I put in her hands?"
"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.
"Two hundred, O Mighty One."
"Then we shall do the same for the woman."
"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals, O Mightiest?"
"How many did we put in Adam?"
"Four hundred twenty, O Mighty One."
"Oh yeah, now I remember, we wanted Adam to have a little fun procreating, didn't we? Do the same for woman."
"Yes, O Great Lord."
"Wait! Hold it, Pete, Give her ten thousand, it'd be a hoot to hear her scream out my name..."
Wow, what a stinker that one was. Well, let's not dwell on it and move on to the holy linkage:Microchip Of The Beast · Satan Kicked Out Of Prison · Bad Christian Movies
Nazi/Mormon Connection · Suck The Rug · Reggae For Jesus
Juggler For Jesus · Congressional Chaplains · God Machine
Sunday, Sep 8th 2002 (12:11am)
I mean, oily palms? As a teen, I had oily palms all the time… didn’t you? Anyway, what's a little minor stigmata compared to the majesty of the Milwaukee Jesus Tree?
Well, here we are with yet another Sunday, and yet another Sunday update. This is all the religious crap I've stumbled across in the past week while hunting down linkage for the site, conveniently stored and packaged for this: The Holy Post.
|Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".
"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".
Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Oh lordy, that was terrbile. Here, have some links to inspire you throughout the day:Pope Poop · Christian Parody Band · Rapture Ready
Areaology · Godcore · Extreme Teen Bible
God Squad · Inflatable Church · Pig Latin Bible
Sunday, Sep 1st 2002 (12:17am)
Sunday again, time to rehash all the religious crap I've stumbled across this week in my quest for postable linkage! Let's go!
|One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
Whoo, did that joke stink. Here, have some inspirational links:Java For Jesus · Rapture Watch · Virgin Shortage in Heaven
Coffee Crazed Nun Game · Plastic Jesus Kills Teen · Screenwritin' Christ
St. Jude's Coloring Book · Christian Chocolate · Get Out Of Hell Free
Sunday, Aug 25th 2002 (12:06am)
Ever thought about being caught with your pants around your ankles when the lord comes a callin'? No more worries friends, it's the Rapture Ready Toilet seat. Every good boy and girl should have one.
Friday, Aug 23rd 2002 (9:40pm)
Aye, it's a mixed blessing of a Sunday, the Arena Bowl is on (GO RATTLERS!), but I'm also sicker than shit. With so much going on, we better get rolling on this whole Sunday post thing:
|A gay guy is standing at the gates of heaven when he hears horrible screams of pain and torture coming from inside.
He says to St. Peter, "What's going on?"
St. Peter replies, "That's the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos."
He says, "Heaven sounds terrible. I think maybe I'd rather go to hell."
St. Peter says, "In hell, you'll be constantly raped and sodomized."
He says, "That's okay. I've already got holes for that."
Yup, that was pretty bad. Anyway, here's all the holy links I've come across in the last week. Share and enjoy:Jesus Tie · Theological Thermodynamics · Jesus Addict Quiz
Oily Miracle Hands · Breastfeeding Jesus · Bands That Worship Satan
King Of The Jews for the King Of Beers
Sunday, Aug 18th 2002 (12:06am)
Sundays have once again become deeply spiritual for me - meaning, of course, that pre-season football has started. At last, some purpose for my weekends! Ok, well, besides finding all this religious stuff online!
|A priest is giving confession but he drank a little too much communion wine before hand and had to piss really badly. So when the next guy was done with his confession the priest asked him,
"Would you mind sitting in for me while I piss?"
The man being a pleasant soul said sure no problem. So the priest showed the man a list of sins and the corresponding penances to go along with them. So the man was pretty secure that he had things under control.
The man was going along giving away Our Fathers, Hail Marys, Rosaries and everything was going good.
Then a lady came in said, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."
So the man looked on his list for Blowjob but couldn't find it. He crossed reference it with Head, Sucked Dick, and Oral Sex but couldn't find a penance.
So he asked an Altar Boy, "Hey, what does the priest give for a blowjob?"
To which the kid replied, "He usually gives us two candy bars and a soda pop."
Oh lordy, that was terrible. Seems like the jokes keep getting worse around here, but the holy linkage just gets better and better:Christian Pick-up Lines · Saint Flanders · Jewish Thing
Father Tucker · Do Unto Others · Resurrection Doubtful
Chosen People · Heavenly Images · Fairway To Heaven
Sunday, Aug 11th 2002 (12:40am)
Happy Sunday, everyone! Thanks to the miracle of pre-programmed articles, the site's being automatically posted to while I'm on a little pilgrimage in the woods... I've been gone all weekend and you didn't even know it! Don't be thinking you can break into my pad and hork my shit, though - we didn't feed the cats before we left, and they have switchblades. Anyway, let us commence with the weekly dredging of the religious side of the web!
|A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man," answers the priest.
"I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it, Father. It says here that the Pope does."
Jeez, that was terrible. I'd have come up with a better joke, but I'm too busy sitting barefoot in a tree playing the flute. Have some links to take the sting off that miserable bit of holy humor:Fatal Theology · Christian Music Recommendations · Dhammakaya
Hindu Sacrifice · Satanic Hamsterdance · Atheist Radio
Robot Of God · Holy Sock Song · Inflatable Jesus
Sunday, Aug 4th 2002 (12:38am)
Football season is comin', but until that glorious first kickoff of the pre-season, I have nothing better to do with my Sundays than rehash all the religious crap I've wandered across in the past week. Hunker down, because here it comes!
Pat Buchanan, Mao Tse-Tung, and Bill Gates were called to the carpet by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. God told them that there was nothing they could do to alter his decision, but they would be allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening.
Wow, that joke really stunk. Oh Well. Redeem thyself for the remainder of thy day with thy sacred linkage:
So, Pat Buchanan went in and told his followers, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there IS a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Mao Tse-Tung went back and told his people, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first bad new is that there IS a God. The second bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and better news. The first good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. The second good news is that you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 2000."
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Rabbis · Christian Hackers · Wall Street Heathens
Jesuits kidnap Uncle Sam · Mormon Underwear · Prayer Panties
David Hasslehoff Is The Antichrist · GLAD Magazine
Sunday, Jul 28th 2002 (12:28am)
Time once again for the weekly religion roundup, where I lay upon thee all the God stuff I've come across over the course of the week - Let's get it on!
And of course, no Sunday post is complete without a pile of holy links, so bless your mouse and get clickin!Cutesy Christ | God Of The Month Club | Wiccan Church Disruption
|A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
Death Sentence For Blasphemer | The Hugging Saint | God's Littlest Lambs
Sunday, Jul 21st 2002 (12:06am)
It's that time of the week again - time to get on your knees or bend over a table or whatever... Sunday is upon us. Let's do it!
God and Saint Peter are playing golf, St. Peter opens up with a hole in one. His halo shines a little bit brighter.
God is trying to tee off, but knocks the ball backwards down a hill. A rabbit hops out of the woods, grabs the ball, and goes running for its hole. A hawk swoops down, grabs the rabbit, and flies up to 4000 ft. From nowhere, clouds form and lightning strikes the hawk. The hawk drops the rabbit, the rabbit drops the ball, plunk, a hole in one.
St. Peter turns to God and says, "Okay now, are you going to play golf or are you going to screw around?"
Yes, I know, weak joke and picture this week, but I'm a busy guy. We have an assload of holy links, so let's go:Papal Bowling | Hell Is Not Disneyland | Hell Is 'Uncool'
Spittin' Jesus | Jesus Continuum | Jesus Balloon
Bible According to Cheese | God Doesn't Give a Shit About NASCAR
2002 Jesus Values Excellence Awards
Sunday, Jul 14th 2002 (1:06am)
And the Lord said, "let there be gassy food".
And there was gassy food (Taco Bell).
And the Lord said, "go forth and tell the sheep of the land of this gassy food".
And they went forth.
And the Lord said, "make sure they get the point."
And so they did.
Friday, Jul 12th 2002 (11:50pm)
Sundays are such a drag - gotta go back to work the next morning, gotta do laundry, gotta do the grocery shopping... apart from football (when in season), the only thing Sundays are good for is the weekly regurgitation of all the religious crap I've come across for the week. With that loving endorsement, let us commence:
|A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married, as that would be a sin. The bus driver says no problem, he is not married.
The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business.
When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children".
The nun replies, "Thats OK. I have a confession too - My name is Ted, and I'm on my way to a costume party."
nun gun fun
Amazingly, I haven't turned into a smoking pile of lightning-bait just yet, so here's the links!The Truth About Hell | Church Fun | MessiahCam
Sin Virus Warning | Nice Eulogy, Father | Christ Phone
Satan's Dad | Priests Abuse Nuns | Church Lady
Sunday, Jul 7th 2002 (12:07am)
Open your hearts to the divine.. uh.. divinity of the ritualistic.. oh whatever, here's the Sunday post:
The parish priest couldn't resist the pretty young girl. She was reciting her confession, and it was all too much for him. He told her to come with him to his room. There, he placed his arm around her.
"Did the young man do this to you?" he asked.
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl replied.
"Hmm," said the priest. He kissed her. "Did he do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," the girl said.
"Did he do this?" the priest asked, and he lifted her skirt and fingered her pussy.
"Yes, Father, and worse."
By this time, the priest was thoroughly aroused. He pulled the girl down onto the rug and inserted his penis, breathing heavily as he asked, "Did he manage to do this?"
"Yes, Father, and worse," said the girl.
When the priest had finished with the girl, he asked, "He did this too, and worse? My dear daughter, what worse could he have done?"
"Well," the shy young girl said, "I think, Father, that he's given me gonorrhea."
Wow, that was horrible. Now, on to the linky goodness!
Church Celebrates Chainsaws | Christian Cowboys
Jesus Rocks Nads | Robo Priest | Christian Porno
Satan's LiveJournal | Female Chinese Christ | Vatican Time Machine
Sunday, Jun 30th 2002 (1:53am)
There are those who would say that my weekly mockery of all things religious might come back to haunt me in the form of, say, eternal damnation or being plagued by computer problems. To those people, I say GET REAL, I'm suffering computer problems because I had the audacity to try and upgrade my system, an endeavor which NEVER goes smoothly, whether I thumb my nose at the Pope or not. With that said, I'm having computer problems this weekend so the Sunday links are gonna be a little thin. Deal with it. If it leaves you unfulfilled, I recommend you go moon a couple of churches. At noon. After eating curry.
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up.
A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, "What---did---you---say---?"
The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute."
"A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweet Jesus! That's wonderful, dear. I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
|mmm. nun pie.|
Now, on to the paltry selection of links!God Answers | Stigmatic Monk | Finger Of God
Jesse Ventura Wrestles God | God Blinds Masturbator
Sunday, Jun 23rd 2002 (12:29am)
By Mark E. Petersen
Council of the 12 Apostles
Be assured that you can be cured of your difficulty. Many have been, both male and female, and you can be also if you determine that it must be so.
This determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once.
But it must be more than a hope or a whish, more than knowing that it is good for you. It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind that you will be cured, then you will have the strength to resist any tendencies which you may have and any temptations which may come to you.
After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:
Read More to be on your way to a masturbation free life.
Thursday, Jun 20th 2002 (12:12am)
It is a litle known fact that an entire way of life can be found around SAMSUNG.
It will leave you asking "How can I come with SAMSUNG?"
Sunday, Jun 16th 2002 (6:56am)
Today we have not one but TWO things to celebrate: Sunday and Father's Day! In honor of my Dad, who has a wicked sense of humor but frowns on vulgarity just for shock value, today's religious joke is a tame one. Try not to look at the picture next to it, Dad. Happy Father's Day!
An old man walks into a confessional, and he says: "I am 82 years old. I have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two 20 year old girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest : "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Old man : "What sins?"
Priest : "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Old man : "I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
Priest : "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Old man : "I'm telling everybody."
And now, on to the sacred linkitude!Satan Doo | Holy Trinity To Break-Up | PeTA Christ
Beatles/Satan Connection | Blasphemous Clipart | Atheist Parents
FFRF Quiz | Church of Spongebob Squarepants | Toast Bible
Sunday, Jun 16th 2002 (12:12am)
And the Lord said "Let there be computers, and an operating system that blesses the user with the blood and crash protection of My Son".
And there were computers, and there was an OS... and the Lord said "It is Good..." because the OS was Jesux.
Sunday, Jun 9th 2002 (12:05pm)
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